[ 27/01 ]
My therapist asked me yesterday morning (I had a session at 5am Austin time) ‘what is love to you?’ and I proceeded to Google what the internet’s definition of love is.
And surely the first result that met my eyes were the song lyrics ‘…baby don’t hurt me, no more’ (I admit I laughed a little)
I’ve never really thought about it too deeply or tried to ‘define’ what love is.
After giving it some thought, I think of love as an intangible feeling that triggers some internal software of the mind to want to care and do things with and for another person. What we classically call butterflies is something that also comes to mind.
tangent : I recently came across the term ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response) and found myself in a bewitching part of the internet that created videos specifically designed to induce ASMR. I think of butterflies as ASMR.
I’ve never really asked myself what are my needs or expectations from my partner but subconsciously even though at times I thought I did not have any…I actually do. We all do and should. It’s not bad to have needs. I thought that having needs meant I was needy or that I couldn’t fulfill myself. I have really craved independence and autonomy my entire life.
The reality is we often can do things ourselves and fulfill our own needs, but it’s nice to have someone by your side who will do the things you want in your partnership.
You don’t have to deny yourself.
It’s not wrong to want things from people. I think because I’ve been disappointed by people many times in the past; my internal monologue is constantly reminding how asking people for things usually takes a longer time, it isn’t executed how I want it to be done - so stop asking. My narrative is ‘asking people for things will usually lead to disappointment’.
I have also had a narrative around anger for a long time; I’m not sure whether I should really call it a narrative or not because it is partially informed by martial way. I personally think you should not fight with anger. Losing control of your emotions means you lack control of yourself, you cannot fight with anger - it will become a losing battle. Emotions influence the tension in your anatomy; you will fight different.
I am still thinking about this one but I think I am trying to differentiate between fighting on the mat and conflict off of the mat for the sake of trying to process ‘negative’ emotions such as sadness, resentment and anger.
I have had a lot of platonic love throughout my life which has often honestly been more wholesome and fulfilling than any romantic love that I’ve had. I tried to think about why this was. Romantic relationships are more intimate and anything that has you closer to someone generally means at some point there is conflict and friction.
I have never thought that I had intimacy issues before honestly, but all of my big conflicts do arise from my closest relationships, so maybe I do have intimacy issues. I’m not quick to label something as having an ‘issue’ per see, but I am psychoanalysing myself a lot lately.
Conflict is something that I’ve struggled with for a long time; I often publicly share that I am conflict avoidant and that my Jiu Jitsu is a reflection of my personality and my deepest fears and desires. I love going through the path of least resistance - why wouldn’t you? Why would you want to jump into the chaos if you can avoid it?
Conflict feels unsafe to me in both Jiu Jitsu and in my personal life. I’ve been working really hard to address this in my physical practice lately and understand how to be a more open and well rounded communicator off of the mat. Shit is really hard at times. Constantly putting myself in uncomfortable situations just seems like a recipe to wreck my nervous system. Baby steps though! Growth is growth.
I’ll keep thinking about this one.