all the random thoughts that I’ve had throughout the day :
I find the thought of a universal consciousness entertaining on multiple levels. I can’t help but think that we are all influencing each other’s energy on some level. We influence each other both in tangible and intangible ways.
Our own human body has its own frequency - we have our own vibrations! Everything ultimately is a series of vibrations and frequencies. When we speak of a sixth sense or feeling someone’s presence behind you, I generally think we can feel the interference of the vibrations.
I’m really fascinated by the concept of people dating recently. I never dated in a very traditional sense, which has now manifested a curiosity of how the normal world participates in dating. I’m currently streaming ‘Sex and The City’ (go figure lol)
There is a feeling of missing out that stems from deep diving into Jiu jitsu so intensely. I ultimately have no regrets about my decision and efforts, because I feel like my life would have taken a very negative direction if I just focused on dating and living a more traditional life. It might have been cool, but all we can focus on is the present and the future.
I’ve known for a long time that I wasn’t going to start on the traditional construct. I had too much self-belief that I would make something out of my life from as early as the age of 8.
I have been thinking a lot about beliefs lately and how to strengthen my own resolve. I haven’t always felt this way about myself, but I do go through very dramatic phases of thinking I’m the shit to loathing myself. (Maybe it’s just hormones!)
I don’t think I’m enough. I always want to do more. I’m fighting a losing battle with my ego lately. I’m much better at managing it when I’m in the teacher mode, but the artist and the athlete and also the other developing personas in the works…really want more.
It’s like I have two voices in my head lately.
One that reminds me how far we’ve gotten through the continued efforts I’ve put into Jiu jitsu over the years. I’ve tried so hard to create a better fighting culture during the years I spent in Hong Kong. I have tried extremely hard to share all that I have to offer for many years without any expectation of being compensated well for it.
I wholeheartedly believed that one day my efforts would be worthwhile. There is some kooky karmic force that will reciprocate my kind heart. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any expectation to be compensated, it just makes me feel good that I’m doing something good, it’s ultimately selfish I could say because of that.
I have recently realised that I am outgrowing my previous desires. My adolescent desires do not match my desires of this present time. I think I knew that I wanted more for quite a while but I was nowhere near my Jiu jitsu career goals yet. I didn’t feel ready to fully entertain my thoughts until I achieved what I originally set off on this journey for.
I feel that I am very close to what I have always wanted to achieve in the sport. I do have many ambitions to develop the sport and art, I do have so much left that I want to do with the world and other people.
I have loved every part of being so deeply involved in the Jiu jitsu community, but part of being a nomad and a traveller is taking off and also meeting other tribes and groups of people. I have intense wanderlust. I do want to experience so much more of the world and people in different ways.
I admit I still feel like I have so much more to learn in Jiu jitsu and perhaps I have to fall in love with that again at some point. I don’t personally believe in forcing love, so I just have to wait until that moment hits me. It’s like trying to date someone who you know isn’t your type but you want to give it a chance. (this is nogi training for me right now hahaha)
to be continued because I’m going to miss boarding my flight xoxo
💪🐈